Relationships
take Effort to if they are to Work
What
makes a good marriage go off rails? We're not talking about
relationships that have been troubled from the start. We're
focusing on couples who been happy together, (often for years),
who find themselves drifting apart. The less time they spend
together, the more distant and resentful they become. The little
time they do spend in each other's company is spent bickering
and sniping.
When resentment and anger set in, I partners begin avoiding
each other. He spends more time at work; she's
busier with the kids or her friends- he stays up late watching TV; she pretends to be asleep when he finally
comes to bed. Less time to fight? Sure, but less time to love
as well. There's got to be a better way to solve the problem.
Falling
in love
We
fall in love by spending time together, by talking, by sharing
experiences and feelings. Often love sparks between the most
unlikely pairs simply because of proximity. A good example is
the "Stockholm syndrome". This is where kidnapped
captives fall in love with their kidnappers and vice versa.
Closeness, intimacy and mutual dependency grow from being near
each other. The opposite is also true. Spend less time with
your partner and watch your closeness and warm feelings evaporate. Can
you recognise any of the following symptoms of spending
too little time together?
Have
you stopped working together as a team?
Most contented
couples work together towards shared goals, supporting each
other along the way. He cooks dinner so she can get her assignment
done. She drives the kids to school twice a week so he can go
to the gym. To coordinate teamwork you have to spend time talking
so you can understand your partner's goals and express your
own. When you stop talking, you stop cooperating.
Do
you argue more often?
Couples who don't give their relationships adequate attention
tend to fight more. While the issue may seem mundane (such as
who takes out the garbage, or whose turn it is to wash up),
the underlying feelings are loneliness, isolation and grief.
Every misdemeanour, no matter how trivial (he forgets to call
when he's running late, she doesn't mention she's taking the
car over the weekend) becomes a symbol for lack of caring and
the arguments escalate.
Is
your time together dwindling?
Are you always busy? Got more important things to do than
hang out with your partner? Do your careers, children, personal
interests, friends, hobbies and community involvements take
a higher priority than your relationship? Could it be that you're
avoiding fights and tension by leading separate lives? Closeness
creates love, but neglect and distance will eventually kill
it. Couples who spend too little time together lose sight of
each other's good qualities and forget why they fell in love
to begin with.
